Somewhere I know there is a light bulb flickering on and off, reminding us to dust off the old negative thoughts in the corners of our mind. It's telling us to heal old wounds and lets us hope that one day, when we have fixed the one thing that's been keeping us from achieving a goal, we would find comfort and a sense of belonging and self-fulfillment.
It's the only thing I know I should believe in right now.
I miss the roller coaster feeling. The ins and outs of being in your swings. The inability to say that I am hurt when you compare me with some other hers, when I feel like I am not good enough. Because along with those other things, you made me feel loved again even though you were like a light bulb constantly flickering on and off. You've told me things I haven't heard from other people before. And the best/worst part about it is that you made me believe that I am as foolish as I will ever be because the only thing that I miss the most right now is you.
just as feeling the mood. some words. i cant explain a thing. i want everything. to change and stay the same. the clocks dont care about anyone or anything. heres my love for free. lets get fucked up on it. make you catatonic. just to let you know. i can make your heart slow.
There are so many things that I've been meaning to put into words but lately I've been feeling like I don't have it in me.
Ideas have just been stowed away in my mind. Some remain just around the corners of it, but some slip away when given the chance.
I probably am having the shittiest moments I have had in the past couple of months, I don't even know what it is that makes it shitty. Maybe it's the monotony of how life has been. Maybe it's my conflicting feelings. It might even be because of these paradoxical tirades that I've been saying over and over again. But whatever it is, I do not feel good about it.
Somewhere along the way I have lost sight of what's important and I need to find it again before I lose my own sanity.
My heart has turned stone cold when I least expect it. I never wanted it to be like this. But I'm trying to melt this ice. And damn it, I am trying.
"Your face has been filed away to be scrutinized later. To be despised, to be loved, to be sought, to be dreamt of."
I loved you first in the winter chills, When your voice was caught by the wind, And the first I heard you say my name, Caught my heart just the same.
I loved you first in moonlit skies, Coupled with fair and gentle lullabies, Where everything seemed all too perfect that time, That if I’d die the next day, all would be just fine.
I loved you once, but all in vain, The love you had was not the same. The sweetest notes became knives and flames, And I am left with no one to blame.
Though it’s all too clear We’ll just never be, I loved you once, And I love you still.
If there was someone who never got tired to take care of me and listen to what I had to say, that someone had always been you. It has been four years and until now I still haven't gotten over the feeling of grief. Every now and then I keep going back to those times when we still had you with us and no words can fully describe what I feel inside me when I do.
Today is your 64th birthday and I couldn't miss you more. I wish you could've stayed with us a bit longer, but all the sappiness aside you will always be the greatest grandmother there ever was. I love you, Nanay and I know that I have been blessed to be your granddaughter.
I admit that I still don't like how the relationship seemed like a gust of the wind that just went right past—fast and oh so sudden—but this might be just one of the sweetest things I might have heard or seen.
im not sure any of this is making any sense but thank you for making me want to be a better me for you.
- Peter Wentz
And I guess sometimes you just have to come to terms with the situation even if you don't really like the way things turned out. I'm just happy that he's finally happy. Because of that, I realized that I, too, can be happy. :)
We become a parody of ourselves meaning there are certain things we dont want to be or dont want to do but somehow we end up in that petty situation one way or another.
June 13, 2008
I was already there. Empty of memories. Negligent of the past. At least that was what I thought.
Little did I know that buried deep within my unconscious was the corpse of the memory I tried to wash away from my mind. Somehow the corpse was reanimated resulting to a dream I never even anticipated. It was a corpse bored with its own funeral, trying to haunt those that have tried to keep it buried beneath the ground. Slowly, the corpse grew stronger and it unlocked the chest with the heart shaped lock where its supressed memories were kept.
As the chest was unlocked, out burst the memories that have long been unacknoweldged for some time like when all the evils of mankind escaped from Pandora's Box. It was a winning battle, and soon enough the memories were divulged once more.
The opening of the chest brought forth an insurgent beating from my heart and I woke up from the dream. A sense of longing and hope came back. I was once again reminded of the affection and the pain.
Not long afterwards, the dream led its way to reality and caught me off guard. The boy that I kept buried in my unconscious was brought back in front of my eyes. The boy whom I thought I have gotten over became the very center of my thoughts for the past week. And I guess that boy will actually shine brighter than anyone does.
What hurts the most is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away Never knowing what could've been And ot seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do
should the words have a meaning? i should be doing something else but i rather like watching. Xp maybe i am out of my head. maybe im quite sane. but why would it matter?
For the past few days, I've been spending most of my hours in front of the computer crying over something I should not even cry about. I guess it's something I got from my late grandmother. We both get so affected with the dramas that we watch that most of the times we get overwhelmed with what we are watching.
I've been glued to my seat because I couldn't bear a second away from what I'm watching knowing I haven't finished the whole drama. My mom has been complaining the whole time, saying I shouldn't be using the computer for that long. She even says I'm foolish for wasting my time on watching this drama and that I'm wasting even more time crying because of it.
I'm not really planning on giving a spoiler on the Taiwanese Drama that I have recently watched because I'd rather you go and watch it yourself. The drama is called Silence (also known as Shen Qing Mi Ma) and stars the dreamy Vic Zhou from F4 (who once played Hua Ze Lei in another Taiwanese Drama called Meteor Garden) and Park Eun Hye.
Now, what could have been the reason for the tears? Even I'm not certain about that, to tell you the truth. At first I thought I was using it as an excuse to not let my family know of something that has occured to me recently. This something, I don't even know what to call it. It's not really a "break up" because we were never really an official couple. It's not also a "parting of ways" because we still talk to each other. If there could be something to describe it, I guess it's just a realization that all we can ever be are just friends. I'm not saying I didn't love him. I did. I know it in my heart. But there was just this gut feeling that it might not work out the way I would have expected it to work out. So when I got those words from him, I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to tell him. But the weirdest thing was, I didn't cry.
So while I was watching Silence the past three days, that's when the tears came pouring out. It all felt like everything happened at the right place at the right time. After a realization came another realization. It's quite different from what I felt when I watched A Walk to Remember because watching this drama gave a deeper meaning in living the life the best you could while you can.
On June 9th, I'll be celebrating my 17th birthday (while Vic Zhou celebrates his 27th birthday.) It would be another chapter in my life and I don't want to spend it lazily. On that week, I plan on spending my time with the people I love.Tell them and show them how much important they are to me. I want to spend that week as it was my last three months to live—as if it was my last chance to be able to show my love and affection to these people.
In a world that I seldom understand, I feel it's important not to let every single thing just pass you by. You have to let it all in and dig deeper because those of us who still have a chance to live for another day should not have any regrets. We should try to find our way whenever the paths we cross get foggy.
You got into a car already knowing where it's heading, but not really knowing the things that will happen on this journey or how far the trip will be. I suspect, is it because this trip is too smooth? No red traffic lights, no traffic jam. That is why I arrive at the destination earlier than others. However, there is no more time to think about it. I, who is unable to control the speed and rushing towards the finish line, can only hope that before reaching the destination, I fulfill all my promises. No regrets.
-Qi WeiYi
I am still shaken with what I have just finished watching, but I did not regret watching it even though at night I find it hard to sleep because it's all I can think about. I don't regret it at all because it showed me how I was supposed to spend my life.
But it wasn't only the drama that changed my views. It wasn't only the drama that made me want to live my life happily. Apart from Silence, you (who happen to be the person I talked about on the fourth paragraph of this blog entry) have made me want to be happy. I won't be telling everything here because I hope to talk to you in person and give you what amounts to be the biggest thank you I've ever given anyone.
PS: Please listen to the song. It's actually calming to hear. ^____________^
Try to remember the kind of September When life was slow and oh, so mellow. Try to remember the kind of September When grass was green and grain was yellow. Try to remember the kind of September When you were a tender and callow fellow. Try to remember, and if you remember, Then follow.
Try to remember when life was so tender That no one wept except the willow. Try to remember when life was so tender That dreams were kept beside your pillow. Try to remember when life was so tender That love was an ember about to billow. Try to remember, and if you remember, Then follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember, Although you know the snow will follow. Deep in December, it's nice to remember, Without a hurt the heart is hollow. Deep in December, it's nice to remember, The fire of September that made us mellow. Deep in December, our hearts should remember And follow.
There's a part of me wanting to hit the call button on my phone. To hear it ring till your voice comes through the other end. But then there's a part of me wanting to just leave you alone and pretend I don't give a shit. But here I am typing away. I love you like Pete loved Jeanae. Case open. Case shut.
You never really have to mean anything to anyone to know how you feel.
I've spent my days looking for certainty and I have found it. I don't think that I love you. You know why? Because I know that I love you.
It's not the case of writing another bullshit cheesy post. Here is what it looks like in the back of my head. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
In a world that I seldom understand, I feel it's important not to let every single thing just pass you by. You have to let it all in and dig deeper because those of us who still have a chance to live for another day should not have any regrets. We should try to find our way whenever the paths we cross get foggy.